I Cant Believe I Dont Just Spontaneously Combust

i am not saying much today. i am seriously pissed at my mother for her lack of trust in me. she thinks that just because i spend time on the phone and on the net and sleep till 11 in the morning, i am irresponsible.

irresponsible? IRRESPONSIBLE??? just because i act exactly like a teenager by staying up late at nights writing in my diary? i have never been irresponsible in all my teenage life!!! except for a few mishaps here and there, of course. but EVERYBODY has those!!! everybody stays up late, everybody talks to their friends on their cell and online!! everybody sleeps till 12 in the f*****g morning!!! and I, I am the ONLY one who is irresponsible???

she says that i should get up in the morning. FOR WHAT, i ask you? for what? hmm let me see... what are the things i can do today to fill up my life and make it more worthwhile? oh, i know! maybe i can study! but wait, wait a minute, i'm out of school! i dont have ANYTHING TO STUDY... or aybe i could read...but the only thing to read in my mom's place are my aunt's old romance novels. and they are all boring!! believe me, i tried to read those works of trash.(i always thought that romance novels are highly unrealistic. for one thing, the hero and heroine are always said to be handsome and beautiful and for another thing, either one of them or both of them will be rich)....i dont have anything to DO!!!!! why the bloody hell should i wake up??? huh? HUH? there is no reason at all, none whatsoever, for me to be up at 10 in the morning, let alone 12.

what surprises me the most is that my mother knows all this and she also knows that unless i have a reason, i hate, absolutely LOATHE, waking up early. i have always been a nocturnal person. and she knows all this!!! which is why i dont understand what she wants from me. i'm on a break for God's sake!! leave me alone!!

wow...i sound like such a child. its amazing, really. how much i've changed... i used to think my parents were always right. i have never, ever fought with my parents, never raised my voice at them, never disrespected them in any way. and i still dont. i dont think i ever could. if its one thing i hate to feel, its letting my parents down. or anybody that i care for, for that matter. it sickens me to know that they're not proud of me. jus because i got a lousy 74.6% on my boards. just because all my friends got a higher percentage than me. and because of all these things i've let them down.

i used to be the girl who scored 86.6% in tenth. and i did it without tuitions and at the same time being an active participant in all church activities. everybody discouraged my parents at that time. they said being so involved would get my studies down. and i proved them wrong. not only did i take part in all church stuff, i also played interschool and i attended the marthoma gulf youth conference in kuwait, one and half months before my 10th boards. and i got 86.6%. i was soo happy.

but i believe the biggest difference from the 15 year old me and the 17 year old me is my faith in God. in 10th, i loved God more than anything else. in 12th, i became over-confident. i think i thought that i didnt need Him anymore. and that, i have learned, is the worst thing any believer can think. also in 10th i worked damn hard because i HAD to prove people wrong. i HAD something to prove. in 12th everyone had full confidence in me. they sid that since i had done it once before, i could do it again. little known to them, for some reason i had lost all motivation to study. i didnt give a damn anymore.

and now, i have to bear the consequence of my stupidity. and i bear it alone. yesterday all i could ask God was why. why am i this way? why dont i care for anyone or anything anymore? why cant i understand myself? and all i could do was cry. this was another thing i hardly ever did. but its become a frequent thing over the past few months. i thought i was over my cry-baby stage. apparently not. huh.....

gosh....this has become quite depressing hasnt it? sorry guys.... lemme dig up some happy news...

well... for one thing... shilpa's in kerala!!! i was soo happy to receive a call from her the day before. we talked on and on.... there were so many things to talk about. i cant believe i havent seen ANY of my friends for the last 3 months! i called her yesterday as well.... and of course we went on talking and talking... there's never a day i dont thank God for the friends i have. u guys are THE BEST!!

anyway... i think thats it for now... i have plenty more to say, but i wont 'coz i fear i would just be repeating myself.

well alritey then guys and gals, i'll be shoving off....

ann....